9.14.2008

Tired...

I'm tired. This past week has been an emotional one for me... and I'm just tired - from the inside out. Sunday always feels like the end of the week for me, rather than the beginning. A lot of what we do during the week is gearing up and preparing for Sunday.

So - today rolled around and I taught Revolution this morning. We storyboarded Jonah and then discussed it a little. The kids were engaged! Cory and I were really excited and Cory prompty asked me to take next week too. :) After Revolution - we headed straight into our Lead Team meeting. I was there for ISM and for the Multimedia Team. Meredith saved me a seat and told her husband and mine that they had to sit at the guys' table. lol. After that - Cor and I came home in order to prep for Community Groups tonight.

Cory's group (of middle school guys) was here at our apartment. I was a little nervous, especially when Cory started lighting candles! Yes - you read that correctly! Candles and middle school boys! Thankfull, by the time I got home - I couldn't even smell... oops, I mean TELL they had been here.

Heather and I are leading a senior high girls group at one of our girl's house. They have a beautiful house and are so great for opening their home to us. But, its a little hard for me - its not my stomping ground. As a result - I have to work to focus on my girls and stay confident in my role. We're going to study James and I'm pretty excited about it. We've done this material before and I'm interested to see how I've grown since the last time.

This past Saturday was Synergy at church. Its a prayer event that occurs three/four times a year at Lakeshore. Every time i heard about it previously I broke out in a cold sweat! Honestly! I'm not much of a prayer warrior, especially in the last few years. I want to be - I desperately want to be - but I suck at praying for extended period of times... especially in public. The thought of standing in a circle, holding hands with somebody I don't know, and trying to concentrate for an hour and a half made me want to puke.

(as a side-note Synergy was good. It wasn't an hour and a half of the aforementioned prayer circle... as a matter of fact, I didn't hold anyone's hand! And we worshipped through song, personal reflection and prayer, and a short time of corporate, small group prayer... definitely no puke-inducing moments!)

Most of the time when I'm in a prayer circle of adults... I'm spending the time before I pray thinking about what I'll pray so that it won't expose some horrible failure in my spiritual life. And I want to say just the right thing, so that people see I am spiritually mature... Which in turn makes me feel guilty and shows just how spiritually IMMATURE I am. UGH!

I want to pray -passionately and powerfully. I want to be at the point where it doesn't matter who or what around. I want to pray so that it is just me and Him. I want my relationship with Him to be intimate and consumming. But, I fall so short so often. I know where I want to be... I've even been there before... I wish I could just get myself out of the way and focus wholly on Him.

All this has been rolling around in my head... along with all the job/pride/discouragement crud... and the infertility reality slamming into me again this week... and don't forget the daily grind... and all of this leaves me... tired.

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